For the past several days I have been concerned and thinking about how to approach/handle a particular situation at work. If you don’t know, I work with a older man who is quadriplegic. I am his Personal Aide. Lately P-- has become more and more passively-aggressive in his communication with me as well as at me. Passive-aggressive behavior can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.
I would like to provide example; however, I really don’t want to describe to entire structure and dynamics of the situation…
I have been considering how to approach this passive-aggressiveness of P--. At first, I thought I would “bite back” or “snip,” you know, like a dog when playing. When I tried this approach I realized I was merely giving into my anger. I was allowing my anger to manifest, and I was becoming resentful of P--. After I left work doing this, I realized I invested more into the situation. I woke up in the middle of the night trying to figure out a solution. So I am clearly wrapped up in my response…And I would certainly get involved in my explanation and rationalization of my response, but I think it would only be me trying to make sense of it, make it into an idea that supports a feeling of me being “right”.
I realize my “biting back” and “snipping” were self-defensive violent acts. I realized the passive-aggressiveness of P-- was challenging my sense of self, and I was allowing myself to be defensive of my actions (or in some cases things I forget).
The idea of ahimsa comes in because I read today, “In accordance to [ahimsa], eating of some foods, whose cultivation harms small insects and worms as well as agriculture itself, is to be abstained from. Violence in self-defense, criminal law, and war are accepted by Hindus and Jains.” When I read “self-defense,” I thought, that is what I am doing. I am defending my self. Defending my self is not what I think I want to do. And! This must mean I am recognizing a idea of self which is inadequate, which I think is untrue…but! When P-- makes his comments I feel inadequate.
What I realized here, was that I don’t want to be violent as a means of being self-defensive, and I don’t want to be self-defensive. This reminds me of a passage from Ram Dass’s book “Paths to God.” He writes,
I said, “Yeah--but you also told me to tell the truth, and the truth is that I’m angry.”
Then [Maharajji] leaned toward me, until he was nose to nose and eye to eye, and said, “Give up anger, and tell the truth.”
I started to say, “But…”-- and then, right at that moment, I saw my predicament. See, what I was going to say to him was “But that isn’t who I am.” And in that instant, I saw in front of me the image of a coffin, and in that coffin was an image of who I thought myself to be. And what Maharajji was saying to me was, “I’m telling you who you’re going to be, after you’re finished being who you think you are.”
And so, perhaps by labeling P-- passive-aggressive I fuel my anger, and don’t look at the self I think I am. Really, the situation is offering an opportunity to “Give up anger, and tell the truth,” to become who I am after I’ve finished being who I think I am.
