Disclaimer: I am writing to express a state of anger and mild frustration.
Today, now (3:56), I have been at work since 7am. That is eight hours of work. During my work day I was surprised how present I was able to be. I considered my ability to be present could be accounted for due to a massage and cranial sacral therapy I experienced the day before. While at work I was able experience a soft gaze, hear many sounds--and their nuances, have light fleeting thoughts, and an ability to stay curious rather than think theoretically or of the past or the future.
On my way home, I was driving at 70 mph, cruise control, and with a soft gaze, watched the other cars on both sides of the road, the ominous clouds around, and the tall trees that line both sides of the highway. I was feeling pretty good.
When I got home I arrived to my step-mother, Zondra, feeding my 4 month old niece, Laureli, with a bottle. Laureli noticed my presence, stopped feeding and stared at me. After a moment I said, "I am not going to distract you from eating," and left the room. When I returned a few minutes later, Laureli was finished feeding, and Zondra was burbing Laureli. Once again, Laureli looking at me and stayed staring at me. I looked at her in her small blue eyes, and didn't say anything. Zondra, using a high pitched baby-talk voice, began to say things like, "Hi. Can we say hi?" "That is uncle Sean." "Hi." (I don't have the inclination to say this type of babble to Luareli. And mostly I have nothing to say or don't know what to a child who doesn't know what I am saying in the first place.) Laureli and I continued to look at one another.
I then held up my index finger to Laureli so that she could grab it, and she did. She began to pull my index finger toward her mouth, perhaps to suck on it as if it was her own. However, I was not going to let her do that. She continued to try and I play with her tugging at my finger. In several moment Laureli began to make a pouting face. I responded to her face, "Awww," reflecting some frustration and saddness on her part. Zondra replied, "Now, we don't need to cry." To which I responded to Laureli, not thinking of Zondra's approach, "Yeah, we are going to cry." Laureli did not cry. She seemed undecided as to how to respond. I believe it was obvious she was frustrated she could not manipulate my finger to her liking.
I continued to promote Laureli's expressing of frustration, while Zondra spoke to her asking her to suppress the child's crying. After only a few moments of this interchange, Zondra said to me in a stern voice, "No. She is not going to cry. She needs to learn how to not be startled by new people."
It is obvious Zondra's and my understanding of this situation is different. I think Laureli is frustrated because she can't move my finger where she wants it. Zondra thinks Laureli is upset because she needs to "adjust" to me being in the room. I disagree with Zondra, because when ever I visit Laureli at my brother's house, she never becomes upset with new and strange visitors. However, according to the psychiatrist Donald Winnicott, children experience subjective omnipotence, "This experience takes place when the mother-child relationship is entirely symbiotic and the child experiences everything subjectively. At this point the baby feels as if it is merged with the mother. The baby considers themselves all-powerful and the center of existence. This is because, to the baby, whatever they wish occurs." Therefore, if the child wishes for my finger to be in the her mouth and it doesn't happen, her subjective omnipotence is frustrated, and the child responses to frustration with crying.
As adults when we experience frustration, such as Zondra wanting me to not say something, she sternly says to me, "No. She is not going to cry." Zondra expresses her frustration that she is not in control. Or the adult may cry or express some emotion.
Back to the story...
I paused a moment and said, referring to my approach, "It's called affective attunement." To which she replied, "I don't care what it is called. I don't want to know it." This is were my anger arouse. I think my initial response was the feeling of being "shut down". However, after I eased my way out of situation, I left the room and had another insight.
When I was younger, 4-6 years old, my parents split up. Zondra became my step-mom around that time. I remember being confused, and frustrated with my situation of my parent's split. I believe my confusion and frustration was acted out through anger. As a child I acted out my anger in many ways, and I remember the response from Zondra was being punished, an attempt to condition me to not express the emotion. In Gestalt Therapy, the holding in of an emotion is called retroflection. Another way to say this is, turning back on oneself, e.g. holding your breath, or thinking a lot.
My second moment of anger was realizing Zondra is trying to teacher Laureli to not express the emotion, similar to how she did with me. From my perspective, after several years of therapy, I discovered that my inability to express my emotions was a learned process of someone, most likely my parents, telling me I will be punished for my expression--you can see this shunning still from Zondra's response to me. Similarily Zondra is teaching Laureli to not express her emotions when frustrated.
So my anger comes from my own shunning of saying to Zondra, what I am doing has a purpose...but her purpose was to teach suppression rather than expression.
I believe my anger arose from my own frustration with Zondra managing to suppress Laureli and myself. Granted Zondra is babysitting the child and her comfort level of babysitting seems to a level where Laureli doesn't cry. This doesn't necessarily go along with my comfort level; I am okay with crying.
I found this experience interesting. I was able to get in touch with my anger, where it came from, and now I am uncertain as how to breakthrough the impasse of being shunned (perhaps writing this blog is serving to be my therapeutic expressive outlet?)...because I certainly don't want to start an argument, not now.
Now, after this situation and a good day at work, where am I? I am continuing to hold a little anger in my body, mostly below and the sides of my sternum. I suppose I will return to my original plans and eat some ice cream.
