Split: Authentic and Inauthentic

"When you left me, I left Earth. Does that not show you I care?"
from the graphic novel, Watchmen

I finished a instant message chat with my ex-girlfriend (2005-2006), and after our chat I realized since our "split" I have lost some of my authenticity. Rather, I denied some of my ability to be genuine. I think I did so out of fear. I feared...I think I feared it-wasn't-worth-it. I think I feared grief; and somehow I connected authenticity with grief.

I thought that if I denied my authenticity, then any experience of loss would not amount to grief, because the loss would not be an authentic loss. I think the inauthentic loss is in direct relationship to behaving and experiencing an inauthentic life. I believe I imitated being genuine. I was playing politics with myself.

Playing politics is living a double live, a divided life. The double life was one of authenticity and sincerity, which I had suppressed; and the other side was the mask of playing a role which disguised the despair of fearing authenticity.

As Soren Kierkegaard wrote in Sickness unto Death, "A person in despair wants despairingly to be himself. But surely if he wants despairingly to be himself, he cannot want to be rid of himself. Yes, or so it seems. But closer observation reveals the contradiction to be still the same. The self which, in his despair, he wants to be is a self he is not (indeed, to want to be the self he truly is, is the very opposite of despair)" (p. 50).

* * *

I am not going to go into a manifesto over what is my true self.

* * *

I believe my fear of being authentic was a response to trauma. I had traumatized myself by believing that if I choose to not be authentic I could ground my certainty I will not experience grief. However, there are two sides to every coin, and if you don't not have heads there is no tails, hence there is no coin. Similarly, without the experience of grief there may be no experience of pleasure--authentic pleasure.

What I learned from chat with the "ole ex" was:
1) I care about her. I care, and that is such a huge feeling. I learned my care does not have to be selfish, as it once was when I was "in love".
2) I learned I have something to offer, that was and is still valued (in some way).
3) No matter how others change, my authenticity (even in the midst of my own change) is something that is pleasing, and can not cause grief.
4) I also feel very gratified she and I were able to chat (although I don't entirely prefer the internet chatting system) and shared what was on our minds, and then said goodbye.
5) I can say goodbye, and feel the 'bye' is actually good.