I am still attached to menial distractions.
Distraction
Dis-trac-tion
The act of being off track?
distract- 'drawn apart',
Is that even possible?
___ _ _ _____
Even if I realized my true self I will still have to wake up each morning and decide what I will do.
What if the two are one? What does that look like?
You are always your true self, but sometimes you think you aren't.
The paradox: sometimes your true self thinks it is not.
Why does the true self think it is not true?
Because the self identifies with something other then the self.
What does that mean?
For example, (using my name, Sean, as a signifier of my true self) Sean is Sean. However, if Sean were to say Sean is (blank), then describing Sean by anything other than Sean is not true. This is because Sean has no inherent qualities other than Sean-ness. When Sean was born Sean did not define the self, I merely was/is. Sean was not Sean because Sean could not define the self. Yet, now Sean is not when Sean defines Sean by any other name.
The crux of the mind is in trying to answer the question: "Who is Sean?" Rewording a Mitch Hedberg joke, "Someone asked me, 'Who is Sean' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.'
It can be tricky because the mind creates the question, believes the question has an alternative answer, and then spends each day trying to create the answer. When in fact, Sean is Sean...no matter what Sean does.
As too, the true self is the true self, which is always you who is called by your specific and authentic name.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Friday, December 11, 2009
Ahimsa (Non-Violence)
For the past several days I have been concerned and thinking about how to approach/handle a particular situation at work. If you don’t know, I work with a older man who is quadriplegic. I am his Personal Aide. Lately P-- has become more and more passively-aggressive in his communication with me as well as at me. Passive-aggressive behavior can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.
I would like to provide example; however, I really don’t want to describe to entire structure and dynamics of the situation…
I have been considering how to approach this passive-aggressiveness of P--. At first, I thought I would “bite back” or “snip,” you know, like a dog when playing. When I tried this approach I realized I was merely giving into my anger. I was allowing my anger to manifest, and I was becoming resentful of P--. After I left work doing this, I realized I invested more into the situation. I woke up in the middle of the night trying to figure out a solution. So I am clearly wrapped up in my response…And I would certainly get involved in my explanation and rationalization of my response, but I think it would only be me trying to make sense of it, make it into an idea that supports a feeling of me being “right”.
I realize my “biting back” and “snipping” were self-defensive violent acts. I realized the passive-aggressiveness of P-- was challenging my sense of self, and I was allowing myself to be defensive of my actions (or in some cases things I forget).
The idea of ahimsa comes in because I read today, “In accordance to [ahimsa], eating of some foods, whose cultivation harms small insects and worms as well as agriculture itself, is to be abstained from. Violence in self-defense, criminal law, and war are accepted by Hindus and Jains.” When I read “self-defense,” I thought, that is what I am doing. I am defending my self. Defending my self is not what I think I want to do. And! This must mean I am recognizing a idea of self which is inadequate, which I think is untrue…but! When P-- makes his comments I feel inadequate.
What I realized here, was that I don’t want to be violent as a means of being self-defensive, and I don’t want to be self-defensive. This reminds me of a passage from Ram Dass’s book “Paths to God.” He writes,
I said, “Yeah--but you also told me to tell the truth, and the truth is that I’m angry.”
Then [Maharajji] leaned toward me, until he was nose to nose and eye to eye, and said, “Give up anger, and tell the truth.”
I started to say, “But…”-- and then, right at that moment, I saw my predicament. See, what I was going to say to him was “But that isn’t who I am.” And in that instant, I saw in front of me the image of a coffin, and in that coffin was an image of who I thought myself to be. And what Maharajji was saying to me was, “I’m telling you who you’re going to be, after you’re finished being who you think you are.”
And so, perhaps by labeling P-- passive-aggressive I fuel my anger, and don’t look at the self I think I am. Really, the situation is offering an opportunity to “Give up anger, and tell the truth,” to become who I am after I’ve finished being who I think I am.
I would like to provide example; however, I really don’t want to describe to entire structure and dynamics of the situation…
I have been considering how to approach this passive-aggressiveness of P--. At first, I thought I would “bite back” or “snip,” you know, like a dog when playing. When I tried this approach I realized I was merely giving into my anger. I was allowing my anger to manifest, and I was becoming resentful of P--. After I left work doing this, I realized I invested more into the situation. I woke up in the middle of the night trying to figure out a solution. So I am clearly wrapped up in my response…And I would certainly get involved in my explanation and rationalization of my response, but I think it would only be me trying to make sense of it, make it into an idea that supports a feeling of me being “right”.
I realize my “biting back” and “snipping” were self-defensive violent acts. I realized the passive-aggressiveness of P-- was challenging my sense of self, and I was allowing myself to be defensive of my actions (or in some cases things I forget).
The idea of ahimsa comes in because I read today, “In accordance to [ahimsa], eating of some foods, whose cultivation harms small insects and worms as well as agriculture itself, is to be abstained from. Violence in self-defense, criminal law, and war are accepted by Hindus and Jains.” When I read “self-defense,” I thought, that is what I am doing. I am defending my self. Defending my self is not what I think I want to do. And! This must mean I am recognizing a idea of self which is inadequate, which I think is untrue…but! When P-- makes his comments I feel inadequate.
What I realized here, was that I don’t want to be violent as a means of being self-defensive, and I don’t want to be self-defensive. This reminds me of a passage from Ram Dass’s book “Paths to God.” He writes,
I said, “Yeah--but you also told me to tell the truth, and the truth is that I’m angry.”
Then [Maharajji] leaned toward me, until he was nose to nose and eye to eye, and said, “Give up anger, and tell the truth.”
I started to say, “But…”-- and then, right at that moment, I saw my predicament. See, what I was going to say to him was “But that isn’t who I am.” And in that instant, I saw in front of me the image of a coffin, and in that coffin was an image of who I thought myself to be. And what Maharajji was saying to me was, “I’m telling you who you’re going to be, after you’re finished being who you think you are.”
And so, perhaps by labeling P-- passive-aggressive I fuel my anger, and don’t look at the self I think I am. Really, the situation is offering an opportunity to “Give up anger, and tell the truth,” to become who I am after I’ve finished being who I think I am.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Dharma is your Karma, Karma is your Dharma
The term dharma, is an Indian spiritual and religious term, that means one's righteous duty or any virtuous path in the common sense of the term.
Righteous - wise, way, manner
-Wise – “to see," hence "to know"
- Way - road, path, course of travel
- Manner - method of handling
Combined definition: To see or to know the method of handling your course of travel.
Duty - due, owed
- Due - to owe
- Owe - to have, own/possess
Virtuous (1) – chaste (for women), valiant, valorous,
- Chaste – pure from unlawful sexual intercourse
- Valiant - stalwart, brave
- - Stalwart - good, serviceable
- - Brace - splendid, valiant
- - Splendid - magnificent, brilliant
- -Magnificent - doing great deeds
- - Service - celebration of public worship/ perform work
- Valorous - courage in the face of danger/ be strong
- - Courage – heart
- - Heart - middle
Virtue (2) - moral life and conduct, moral excellence
- Moral - proper behavior of a person in society
Combined definition: Celebration of public worship by doing good deeds as proper behavior of a person in society.
Karma yoga (also known as Buddhi Yoga) or the "discipline of action" is based on the teachings of the Bhagavad Gita, a sacred Sanskrit scripture of Hinduism. One of the four pillars of yoga, Karma yoga focuses on the adherence to duty (dharma) while remaining detached from the reward. It states that one can experience salvation (Moksha) or love (bhakti) of God by performing their duties in an unselfish manner for the pleasure of the Supreme, which is the welfare of the world.
Righteous - wise, way, manner
-Wise – “to see," hence "to know"
- Way - road, path, course of travel
- Manner - method of handling
Combined definition: To see or to know the method of handling your course of travel.
Duty - due, owed
- Due - to owe
- Owe - to have, own/possess
Virtuous (1) – chaste (for women), valiant, valorous,
- Chaste – pure from unlawful sexual intercourse
- Valiant - stalwart, brave
- - Stalwart - good, serviceable
- - Brace - splendid, valiant
- - Splendid - magnificent, brilliant
- -Magnificent - doing great deeds
- - Service - celebration of public worship/ perform work
- Valorous - courage in the face of danger/ be strong
- - Courage – heart
- - Heart - middle
Virtue (2) - moral life and conduct, moral excellence
- Moral - proper behavior of a person in society
Combined definition: Celebration of public worship by doing good deeds as proper behavior of a person in society.
Karma yoga (also known as Buddhi Yoga) or the "discipline of action" is based on the teachings of the Bhagavad Gita, a sacred Sanskrit scripture of Hinduism. One of the four pillars of yoga, Karma yoga focuses on the adherence to duty (dharma) while remaining detached from the reward. It states that one can experience salvation (Moksha) or love (bhakti) of God by performing their duties in an unselfish manner for the pleasure of the Supreme, which is the welfare of the world.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Sankata Mochan kripaa nidhaan
Sometimes I go to the Whole Foods near downtown because I think if I go there I will see people I know. Specifically I think I will have a chance to see a girl I use to date. I think out off all the times I have gone to Whole Foods with this agenda I have only seen the girl twice.
Today, after swimming I decided I would go toward downtown near the Whole Foods to get a bite to eat, but I also wanted to visit some bookstores—I was searching for the book The Shack. When I arrived downtown I parked in the Whole Foods parking lot and walked around to the bookstores—where I didn’t find the book for used. So I headed back toward Whole Foods where I was playing to get a cup of coffee, but first I stopped by Cosmic Cantina to buy a burrito.
After Cosmic Cantina I went to the Whole Foods to buy coffee, but by the time I got there I wanted something juicy or sweet. As I stood in the store deciding what to buy a cold chill, some what like a breeze came over me. Then I thought, maybe I know someone in here. So I walked around the store and found no one I knew.
I decided upon an Orange Crème soda. I went outside to the eating area. I found a chair and took off my jacket. Upon eating a large farmer-like looking man walked outside from the Whole Foods. The man was tale and plumb, wearing a red flannel shirt tucked into his pants with suspenders; sort of the stereotypic farmer looking guy. He sat down far from me and began talking to me about the weather. He said I would need a jacket tomorrow because it was going to get really cold. The man began to ask me questions and I mostly said, “Yeah.” Then he stopped talking to me.
Half way through eating my burrito a woman with yellowish grey hair and a lime green shirt comes walking toward the door where I am sitting. I recognize the woman. She is the mother of my once girlfriend from four years ago. She and I and her family have some history, some good and toward the latter part of the relationship sort of rough. I decide to wave to her, but her attention seems to be on someone else, a woman she is meeting.
I realize they are going to be sitting at the next table over from the farmer man. I begin to feel nervous, sort like an odd feeling in my chest, with preconscious questions of how to respond in this situation.
Wanting to be merely sooth I look for my iPod shuffle to listen to Krishna Das (Hindu mantra music, also knows as kirtan). I find the iPod and turn to a track titled Baba Hanuman.
The lyrics are:
Namo... Namo...Anjaninandanaaya
I bow, I bow again and again to Anjani's son, Hanuman
Jaya Seeyaa Raama, Jai Jai Hanumaan
Victory to Sita and Ram, Victory to Hanuman
Victory over the darkness of suffering...
Jaya Bajrangbalee, Baba Hanuman
Victory to the one with the body of a thunderbolt
My Baba, Hanuman.
Sankata Mochan kripaa nidhaan
You are home of all Grace.
Destroy all my problems, calamities and sufferings.
Jai Jai Jai Hanuman Gosaaee
Hail My Lord Hanuman
Kripaa karahu Gurudeva kee naaee
You are my Guru, bestow your Grace on me.
Sankata Mochan kripaa nidhaan,
You are the destroyer of Suffering, the abode of Grace
Laala Langotta, Laala Nishaan
You wear a red langotta and carry a red flag
Hare Raama Raama Raama, Seetaa Raama Raama Raama
As I begin to listen to the song I don’t have a need to look to this woman I am nervous about. I am not nervous. I eat the burrito and look around peacefully. It was an odd thing.
However, I wondered what will I do when I walk right in front of the table where she is sitting? Continuing to listening to Baba Hanuman I walk in front of the farmer man, throw away my trash and realize the farmer man is talking to me. He is confirming I am going to wear my jacket tomorrow. I tell him I will. Then began talking about something different and I realized he wasn’t interested in my response, but it was merely talking to talk at someone. So I listened. Rather than listening and trying to think of what to reply with (because it was irrelevant) I looked into the man’s eyes, deep in to his crystalline blue eyes. The man began to stutter more than before.
Before I knew it I was standing with my back to the ex-girlfriend’s mother. The farmer man kept talking. I realized this man will probably not stop talking as long as I am attentive. I decide to say things that would indicate that I am going to leave, but be kept talking at me. So then I said to him, “Yell, bye bye.” I turned toward the stairs (with the table with my ex-girlfriend’s mother to my right) and walked down the stairs; put in my earbud, and walked toward my car.
Just as I was about to cross the street I realized: I didn’t even think about that woman, I just walked right past her. Hmmm…
Today, after swimming I decided I would go toward downtown near the Whole Foods to get a bite to eat, but I also wanted to visit some bookstores—I was searching for the book The Shack. When I arrived downtown I parked in the Whole Foods parking lot and walked around to the bookstores—where I didn’t find the book for used. So I headed back toward Whole Foods where I was playing to get a cup of coffee, but first I stopped by Cosmic Cantina to buy a burrito.
After Cosmic Cantina I went to the Whole Foods to buy coffee, but by the time I got there I wanted something juicy or sweet. As I stood in the store deciding what to buy a cold chill, some what like a breeze came over me. Then I thought, maybe I know someone in here. So I walked around the store and found no one I knew.
I decided upon an Orange Crème soda. I went outside to the eating area. I found a chair and took off my jacket. Upon eating a large farmer-like looking man walked outside from the Whole Foods. The man was tale and plumb, wearing a red flannel shirt tucked into his pants with suspenders; sort of the stereotypic farmer looking guy. He sat down far from me and began talking to me about the weather. He said I would need a jacket tomorrow because it was going to get really cold. The man began to ask me questions and I mostly said, “Yeah.” Then he stopped talking to me.
Half way through eating my burrito a woman with yellowish grey hair and a lime green shirt comes walking toward the door where I am sitting. I recognize the woman. She is the mother of my once girlfriend from four years ago. She and I and her family have some history, some good and toward the latter part of the relationship sort of rough. I decide to wave to her, but her attention seems to be on someone else, a woman she is meeting.
I realize they are going to be sitting at the next table over from the farmer man. I begin to feel nervous, sort like an odd feeling in my chest, with preconscious questions of how to respond in this situation.
Wanting to be merely sooth I look for my iPod shuffle to listen to Krishna Das (Hindu mantra music, also knows as kirtan). I find the iPod and turn to a track titled Baba Hanuman.
The lyrics are:
Namo... Namo...Anjaninandanaaya
I bow, I bow again and again to Anjani's son, Hanuman
Jaya Seeyaa Raama, Jai Jai Hanumaan
Victory to Sita and Ram, Victory to Hanuman
Victory over the darkness of suffering...
Jaya Bajrangbalee, Baba Hanuman
Victory to the one with the body of a thunderbolt
My Baba, Hanuman.
Sankata Mochan kripaa nidhaan
You are home of all Grace.
Destroy all my problems, calamities and sufferings.
Jai Jai Jai Hanuman Gosaaee
Hail My Lord Hanuman
Kripaa karahu Gurudeva kee naaee
You are my Guru, bestow your Grace on me.
Sankata Mochan kripaa nidhaan,
You are the destroyer of Suffering, the abode of Grace
Laala Langotta, Laala Nishaan
You wear a red langotta and carry a red flag
Hare Raama Raama Raama, Seetaa Raama Raama Raama
As I begin to listen to the song I don’t have a need to look to this woman I am nervous about. I am not nervous. I eat the burrito and look around peacefully. It was an odd thing.
However, I wondered what will I do when I walk right in front of the table where she is sitting? Continuing to listening to Baba Hanuman I walk in front of the farmer man, throw away my trash and realize the farmer man is talking to me. He is confirming I am going to wear my jacket tomorrow. I tell him I will. Then began talking about something different and I realized he wasn’t interested in my response, but it was merely talking to talk at someone. So I listened. Rather than listening and trying to think of what to reply with (because it was irrelevant) I looked into the man’s eyes, deep in to his crystalline blue eyes. The man began to stutter more than before.
Before I knew it I was standing with my back to the ex-girlfriend’s mother. The farmer man kept talking. I realized this man will probably not stop talking as long as I am attentive. I decide to say things that would indicate that I am going to leave, but be kept talking at me. So then I said to him, “Yell, bye bye.” I turned toward the stairs (with the table with my ex-girlfriend’s mother to my right) and walked down the stairs; put in my earbud, and walked toward my car.
Just as I was about to cross the street I realized: I didn’t even think about that woman, I just walked right past her. Hmmm…
Sunday, October 4, 2009
"Romantic" Dharma
I do not have much intellectual or mental clarity, but I have a feeling. Perhaps the feeling is enough; perhaps I do not need the intellectual/mental clarity. However, I pressure myself to provide an explanation—an explanation I do not know how to give. I do not know how to give. Perhaps that is the explanation. I do not know how to be romantic.
I once wrote a paper on the matter of romance and relationships. In it I wrote, “Romantic relationships, if truly romantic, are marked by an imaginative and emotional appeal.” I believe I have lost, lost in the sense of ceasing, that imaginative and emotional appeal.
I am here today with no particular motivation to perpetuate my current “romantic relationship” with the girl I have been seeing. I have no motivation to be “special” with her. Now, why does this concern me? As it always is for me, I am concerned about communicating my loss of interest to her; I am concerned about a negative response from her; in a generic sense “I don’t want to hurt her” (which I can’t do.)
When the question of emotional hurting someone comes to mind, I think of Arjuna’s predicament in the Bhagavan Gita. Arjuna’s is being asked by Krishna to fulfill his dharma (spiritual duty) and fight against his family. Krishna says it is his duty, and it is the karma of those who fight to be killed.
If I can make a parallel here… I see my predicament of hurting “her” emotionally similar to the bleak outcome of Arjuna’s battle. Yet, I feel it is my dharma to not be in a relationship right now. I can’t explain that. I don’t know how to explain it. And! If I were to try to explain it I would destroy the feeling, making it in to an idea or philosophy, something stagnate and not alive. Essentially I would be doing the same thing to myself. I would be muting the still small voice within, which says, “This does not feel right.”
The simple fact of the matter is that I don’t feel right about continuing the romantic relationship I currently.
I once wrote a paper on the matter of romance and relationships. In it I wrote, “Romantic relationships, if truly romantic, are marked by an imaginative and emotional appeal.” I believe I have lost, lost in the sense of ceasing, that imaginative and emotional appeal.
I am here today with no particular motivation to perpetuate my current “romantic relationship” with the girl I have been seeing. I have no motivation to be “special” with her. Now, why does this concern me? As it always is for me, I am concerned about communicating my loss of interest to her; I am concerned about a negative response from her; in a generic sense “I don’t want to hurt her” (which I can’t do.)
When the question of emotional hurting someone comes to mind, I think of Arjuna’s predicament in the Bhagavan Gita. Arjuna’s is being asked by Krishna to fulfill his dharma (spiritual duty) and fight against his family. Krishna says it is his duty, and it is the karma of those who fight to be killed.
If I can make a parallel here… I see my predicament of hurting “her” emotionally similar to the bleak outcome of Arjuna’s battle. Yet, I feel it is my dharma to not be in a relationship right now. I can’t explain that. I don’t know how to explain it. And! If I were to try to explain it I would destroy the feeling, making it in to an idea or philosophy, something stagnate and not alive. Essentially I would be doing the same thing to myself. I would be muting the still small voice within, which says, “This does not feel right.”
The simple fact of the matter is that I don’t feel right about continuing the romantic relationship I currently.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
A Situation of Anger, and maybe Growth
Disclaimer: I am writing to express a state of anger and mild frustration.
Today, now (3:56), I have been at work since 7am. That is eight hours of work. During my work day I was surprised how present I was able to be. I considered my ability to be present could be accounted for due to a massage and cranial sacral therapy I experienced the day before. While at work I was able experience a soft gaze, hear many sounds--and their nuances, have light fleeting thoughts, and an ability to stay curious rather than think theoretically or of the past or the future.
On my way home, I was driving at 70 mph, cruise control, and with a soft gaze, watched the other cars on both sides of the road, the ominous clouds around, and the tall trees that line both sides of the highway. I was feeling pretty good.
When I got home I arrived to my step-mother, Zondra, feeding my 4 month old niece, Laureli, with a bottle. Laureli noticed my presence, stopped feeding and stared at me. After a moment I said, "I am not going to distract you from eating," and left the room. When I returned a few minutes later, Laureli was finished feeding, and Zondra was burbing Laureli. Once again, Laureli looking at me and stayed staring at me. I looked at her in her small blue eyes, and didn't say anything. Zondra, using a high pitched baby-talk voice, began to say things like, "Hi. Can we say hi?" "That is uncle Sean." "Hi." (I don't have the inclination to say this type of babble to Luareli. And mostly I have nothing to say or don't know what to a child who doesn't know what I am saying in the first place.) Laureli and I continued to look at one another.
I then held up my index finger to Laureli so that she could grab it, and she did. She began to pull my index finger toward her mouth, perhaps to suck on it as if it was her own. However, I was not going to let her do that. She continued to try and I play with her tugging at my finger. In several moment Laureli began to make a pouting face. I responded to her face, "Awww," reflecting some frustration and saddness on her part. Zondra replied, "Now, we don't need to cry." To which I responded to Laureli, not thinking of Zondra's approach, "Yeah, we are going to cry." Laureli did not cry. She seemed undecided as to how to respond. I believe it was obvious she was frustrated she could not manipulate my finger to her liking.
I continued to promote Laureli's expressing of frustration, while Zondra spoke to her asking her to suppress the child's crying. After only a few moments of this interchange, Zondra said to me in a stern voice, "No. She is not going to cry. She needs to learn how to not be startled by new people."
It is obvious Zondra's and my understanding of this situation is different. I think Laureli is frustrated because she can't move my finger where she wants it. Zondra thinks Laureli is upset because she needs to "adjust" to me being in the room. I disagree with Zondra, because when ever I visit Laureli at my brother's house, she never becomes upset with new and strange visitors. However, according to the psychiatrist Donald Winnicott, children experience subjective omnipotence, "This experience takes place when the mother-child relationship is entirely symbiotic and the child experiences everything subjectively. At this point the baby feels as if it is merged with the mother. The baby considers themselves all-powerful and the center of existence. This is because, to the baby, whatever they wish occurs." Therefore, if the child wishes for my finger to be in the her mouth and it doesn't happen, her subjective omnipotence is frustrated, and the child responses to frustration with crying.
As adults when we experience frustration, such as Zondra wanting me to not say something, she sternly says to me, "No. She is not going to cry." Zondra expresses her frustration that she is not in control. Or the adult may cry or express some emotion.
Back to the story...
I paused a moment and said, referring to my approach, "It's called affective attunement." To which she replied, "I don't care what it is called. I don't want to know it." This is were my anger arouse. I think my initial response was the feeling of being "shut down". However, after I eased my way out of situation, I left the room and had another insight.
When I was younger, 4-6 years old, my parents split up. Zondra became my step-mom around that time. I remember being confused, and frustrated with my situation of my parent's split. I believe my confusion and frustration was acted out through anger. As a child I acted out my anger in many ways, and I remember the response from Zondra was being punished, an attempt to condition me to not express the emotion. In Gestalt Therapy, the holding in of an emotion is called retroflection. Another way to say this is, turning back on oneself, e.g. holding your breath, or thinking a lot.
My second moment of anger was realizing Zondra is trying to teacher Laureli to not express the emotion, similar to how she did with me. From my perspective, after several years of therapy, I discovered that my inability to express my emotions was a learned process of someone, most likely my parents, telling me I will be punished for my expression--you can see this shunning still from Zondra's response to me. Similarily Zondra is teaching Laureli to not express her emotions when frustrated.
So my anger comes from my own shunning of saying to Zondra, what I am doing has a purpose...but her purpose was to teach suppression rather than expression.
I believe my anger arose from my own frustration with Zondra managing to suppress Laureli and myself. Granted Zondra is babysitting the child and her comfort level of babysitting seems to a level where Laureli doesn't cry. This doesn't necessarily go along with my comfort level; I am okay with crying.
I found this experience interesting. I was able to get in touch with my anger, where it came from, and now I am uncertain as how to breakthrough the impasse of being shunned (perhaps writing this blog is serving to be my therapeutic expressive outlet?)...because I certainly don't want to start an argument, not now.
Now, after this situation and a good day at work, where am I? I am continuing to hold a little anger in my body, mostly below and the sides of my sternum. I suppose I will return to my original plans and eat some ice cream.
Today, now (3:56), I have been at work since 7am. That is eight hours of work. During my work day I was surprised how present I was able to be. I considered my ability to be present could be accounted for due to a massage and cranial sacral therapy I experienced the day before. While at work I was able experience a soft gaze, hear many sounds--and their nuances, have light fleeting thoughts, and an ability to stay curious rather than think theoretically or of the past or the future.
On my way home, I was driving at 70 mph, cruise control, and with a soft gaze, watched the other cars on both sides of the road, the ominous clouds around, and the tall trees that line both sides of the highway. I was feeling pretty good.
When I got home I arrived to my step-mother, Zondra, feeding my 4 month old niece, Laureli, with a bottle. Laureli noticed my presence, stopped feeding and stared at me. After a moment I said, "I am not going to distract you from eating," and left the room. When I returned a few minutes later, Laureli was finished feeding, and Zondra was burbing Laureli. Once again, Laureli looking at me and stayed staring at me. I looked at her in her small blue eyes, and didn't say anything. Zondra, using a high pitched baby-talk voice, began to say things like, "Hi. Can we say hi?" "That is uncle Sean." "Hi." (I don't have the inclination to say this type of babble to Luareli. And mostly I have nothing to say or don't know what to a child who doesn't know what I am saying in the first place.) Laureli and I continued to look at one another.
I then held up my index finger to Laureli so that she could grab it, and she did. She began to pull my index finger toward her mouth, perhaps to suck on it as if it was her own. However, I was not going to let her do that. She continued to try and I play with her tugging at my finger. In several moment Laureli began to make a pouting face. I responded to her face, "Awww," reflecting some frustration and saddness on her part. Zondra replied, "Now, we don't need to cry." To which I responded to Laureli, not thinking of Zondra's approach, "Yeah, we are going to cry." Laureli did not cry. She seemed undecided as to how to respond. I believe it was obvious she was frustrated she could not manipulate my finger to her liking.
I continued to promote Laureli's expressing of frustration, while Zondra spoke to her asking her to suppress the child's crying. After only a few moments of this interchange, Zondra said to me in a stern voice, "No. She is not going to cry. She needs to learn how to not be startled by new people."
It is obvious Zondra's and my understanding of this situation is different. I think Laureli is frustrated because she can't move my finger where she wants it. Zondra thinks Laureli is upset because she needs to "adjust" to me being in the room. I disagree with Zondra, because when ever I visit Laureli at my brother's house, she never becomes upset with new and strange visitors. However, according to the psychiatrist Donald Winnicott, children experience subjective omnipotence, "This experience takes place when the mother-child relationship is entirely symbiotic and the child experiences everything subjectively. At this point the baby feels as if it is merged with the mother. The baby considers themselves all-powerful and the center of existence. This is because, to the baby, whatever they wish occurs." Therefore, if the child wishes for my finger to be in the her mouth and it doesn't happen, her subjective omnipotence is frustrated, and the child responses to frustration with crying.
As adults when we experience frustration, such as Zondra wanting me to not say something, she sternly says to me, "No. She is not going to cry." Zondra expresses her frustration that she is not in control. Or the adult may cry or express some emotion.
Back to the story...
I paused a moment and said, referring to my approach, "It's called affective attunement." To which she replied, "I don't care what it is called. I don't want to know it." This is were my anger arouse. I think my initial response was the feeling of being "shut down". However, after I eased my way out of situation, I left the room and had another insight.
When I was younger, 4-6 years old, my parents split up. Zondra became my step-mom around that time. I remember being confused, and frustrated with my situation of my parent's split. I believe my confusion and frustration was acted out through anger. As a child I acted out my anger in many ways, and I remember the response from Zondra was being punished, an attempt to condition me to not express the emotion. In Gestalt Therapy, the holding in of an emotion is called retroflection. Another way to say this is, turning back on oneself, e.g. holding your breath, or thinking a lot.
My second moment of anger was realizing Zondra is trying to teacher Laureli to not express the emotion, similar to how she did with me. From my perspective, after several years of therapy, I discovered that my inability to express my emotions was a learned process of someone, most likely my parents, telling me I will be punished for my expression--you can see this shunning still from Zondra's response to me. Similarily Zondra is teaching Laureli to not express her emotions when frustrated.
So my anger comes from my own shunning of saying to Zondra, what I am doing has a purpose...but her purpose was to teach suppression rather than expression.
I believe my anger arose from my own frustration with Zondra managing to suppress Laureli and myself. Granted Zondra is babysitting the child and her comfort level of babysitting seems to a level where Laureli doesn't cry. This doesn't necessarily go along with my comfort level; I am okay with crying.
I found this experience interesting. I was able to get in touch with my anger, where it came from, and now I am uncertain as how to breakthrough the impasse of being shunned (perhaps writing this blog is serving to be my therapeutic expressive outlet?)...because I certainly don't want to start an argument, not now.
Now, after this situation and a good day at work, where am I? I am continuing to hold a little anger in my body, mostly below and the sides of my sternum. I suppose I will return to my original plans and eat some ice cream.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Hmmmm....
I love having an expansive affection and appreciation for someone. When I am able to experience a feeling of care and gratitude I am calm and clear headed.
And...I think that is pretty cool.
And...I think that is pretty cool.
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