"Romantic" Dharma

I do not have much intellectual or mental clarity, but I have a feeling. Perhaps the feeling is enough; perhaps I do not need the intellectual/mental clarity. However, I pressure myself to provide an explanation—an explanation I do not know how to give. I do not know how to give. Perhaps that is the explanation. I do not know how to be romantic.

I once wrote a paper on the matter of romance and relationships. In it I wrote, “Romantic relationships, if truly romantic, are marked by an imaginative and emotional appeal.” I believe I have lost, lost in the sense of ceasing, that imaginative and emotional appeal.

I am here today with no particular motivation to perpetuate my current “romantic relationship” with the girl I have been seeing. I have no motivation to be “special” with her. Now, why does this concern me? As it always is for me, I am concerned about communicating my loss of interest to her; I am concerned about a negative response from her; in a generic sense “I don’t want to hurt her” (which I can’t do.)

When the question of emotional hurting someone comes to mind, I think of Arjuna’s predicament in the Bhagavan Gita. Arjuna’s is being asked by Krishna to fulfill his dharma (spiritual duty) and fight against his family. Krishna says it is his duty, and it is the karma of those who fight to be killed.

If I can make a parallel here… I see my predicament of hurting “her” emotionally similar to the bleak outcome of Arjuna’s battle. Yet, I feel it is my dharma to not be in a relationship right now. I can’t explain that. I don’t know how to explain it. And! If I were to try to explain it I would destroy the feeling, making it in to an idea or philosophy, something stagnate and not alive. Essentially I would be doing the same thing to myself. I would be muting the still small voice within, which says, “This does not feel right.”
The simple fact of the matter is that I don’t feel right about continuing the romantic relationship I currently.