If something is boring after two minutes, try it for four. If still boring, then eight. Then sixteen. Then thirty-two. Eventually one discovers that it is not boring at all.
- John Cage
When I was in high school (at NCSA--now called UNCSA) I became very interested in John Cage and Buddhism at about the same time. I became interested in Buddhism through a way of existential suffering I.e. a teenage break up (smile). I became interested in John Cage because when I listened to his music I was paying attention! I also like John Cage as a person. From watching a documentary-- “I Have Nothing To Say, And I Am Saying It” --I was enamored by his simplicity, soft voice, humor, and his ability to see art and beauty in everything. I was inspired.
As I became interested in Buddhism I began to meditate. Not really knowing what I was doing, I would merely sit in my room for 25 minutes. In hindsight I couldn’t tell you why I was meditating, other than I was experimenting. I didn’t know what happened when meditation occurs and I didn’t even think about if I was doing it right. However, I read a quote by John Cage and it spoke to me about this action of no action. (At NCSA I was taught art work is suppose to be interesting, have drama, variation, contrast, different sections, and so on.) In contrast to art the act of meditating seemed boring, or uninteresting. And when I read this quote by John Cage I thought, “I will sit here until I am not bored any longer”. Over a decade later, having read this quote I realized I oriented myself toward meditation and attention in a way where the question of technique did not dawn on me…I didn’t think about doing something right. I merely thought I would sit until sitting was not boring. However!
I was inspired by another thing John Cage said, “The first question I ask myself when something doesn’t seem to be beautiful, the first question I ask is ‘Why do I not think it is beautiful?’ And very shortly you discover there is no reason.” Having heard this, I was not sitting until I was not bored in that something became interesting or “beautiful” but simply becoming aware of a non-dual landscape.
I became interested silence.
I hope you too become interested in silence, the center of sound.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Free-dom
I have considered recently how people are making a capital enterprise from "seekers." So I have been saying "Freedom is free." This evening I typed that phrase and thought, "What is the etymology of 'freedom'?
This is it:
Free: O.E. freo "free, exempt from, not in bondage,"
-dom: denoting a state or condition
Freedom means: Denoting a state or condition not in bondage.
(I love doing this!)
Bondage: c.1300, "condition of a serf or slave,"
Slave: late 13c., "person who is the property of another,"
Property: c.1300, "nature, quality," later "possession"
Possession: mid-15c., "to hold, occupy, reside in"
I am reminded of the word identity which means, from late Latin identitas, from Latin idem 'same'. So our bondage is attempting to be the same as something else. You can't be the same as yourself; you are yourself.
I don't believe you can pay any amount of money to anyone to teach you who you are. They don't know. In terms of bondage and being a slave to another, spending money for someone's "teaching," you are bond to them by thinking you will only know who you are through their teaching. Right!! There is a paradox here.
This is it:
Free: O.E. freo "free, exempt from, not in bondage,"
-dom: denoting a state or condition
Freedom means: Denoting a state or condition not in bondage.
(I love doing this!)
Bondage: c.1300, "condition of a serf or slave,"
Slave: late 13c., "person who is the property of another,"
Property: c.1300, "nature, quality," later "possession"
Possession: mid-15c., "to hold, occupy, reside in"
I am reminded of the word identity which means, from late Latin identitas, from Latin idem 'same'. So our bondage is attempting to be the same as something else. You can't be the same as yourself; you are yourself.
I don't believe you can pay any amount of money to anyone to teach you who you are. They don't know. In terms of bondage and being a slave to another, spending money for someone's "teaching," you are bond to them by thinking you will only know who you are through their teaching. Right!! There is a paradox here.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Appointment: The Rattlesnake
I was sitting here drinking coffee this morning and I started to think of the lyrics “she says all she needs is therapy yeah all you need is, love is all you need…. She says ooh, It’s so hard to love when love was your great disappointment.” These lyrics come from a Llyod Cole song titled Rattlesnakes, however, I was thinking of Tori Amos’s cover on Strange Little Girls. Thinking of these lyrics I remembered what Sri Swami Satchidananda said about making appointments. He said, “Take an example. ‘Ohhh, I am so disappointed.’ Use the same prefix. Dis-appointed. Why? You made an appointment….Your disappointment, you made earlier, so only your appointment got dis-ed.”
“…love was your great disappointment.”
Love was your appointment that got dis-ed. As I am writing this I am thinking, “We can’t give up on love.” So how do we love without disappointment? I want to look at this a little closer.
To be disappointed, as Swami Satchidananda, is to make an appointment that got dis-ed. If we look at ’appointment’ we will find that it is an act of appointing, and appointing is to assign a job or role to someone. In other words we might appoint someone to love us, by saying, “I want you to love me”.. And if the other says, “No. I can’t love you. I love someone else,” our appointment will be dis-ed.
So perhaps we can take love out of the mix here and simply say: appointment was the great disappointment.
This reminds me of a story in the New Testament. The apostles were arguing about who was the greatest. James and John asked Jesus who would be at his right and left during the Eternal Age. Jesus replies, “If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and servant of all.” He later replies, “You've observed how godless rulers throw their weight around," he said, "and when people get a little power how quickly it goes to their heads…. Whoever wants to be great must become a servant, and you whoever wants to be first must be a slave to all.” The apostles wanted to be appointed by Jesus, however, they became disappointed. They wanted to be appointed by Jesus to love one of them more than another. But that is not what Jesus was offering. It is clear that Jesus’ intention was to serve and love all, but not in exchange for power or authority given by man. I believe Jesus wanted us to live as he did, and be fueled by God to love and serve others.
So how do we love without disappointment? We love without making appointments. We do not appoint or wait for an other to come love us. We love others, and in that love we will find love. And if you are concerned with the notion that if you love others, then who will love you? As Jesus said, “Take courage!”
Peace be with you.
“…love was your great disappointment.”
Love was your appointment that got dis-ed. As I am writing this I am thinking, “We can’t give up on love.” So how do we love without disappointment? I want to look at this a little closer.
To be disappointed, as Swami Satchidananda, is to make an appointment that got dis-ed. If we look at ’appointment’ we will find that it is an act of appointing, and appointing is to assign a job or role to someone. In other words we might appoint someone to love us, by saying, “I want you to love me”.. And if the other says, “No. I can’t love you. I love someone else,” our appointment will be dis-ed.
So perhaps we can take love out of the mix here and simply say: appointment was the great disappointment.
This reminds me of a story in the New Testament. The apostles were arguing about who was the greatest. James and John asked Jesus who would be at his right and left during the Eternal Age. Jesus replies, “If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and servant of all.” He later replies, “You've observed how godless rulers throw their weight around," he said, "and when people get a little power how quickly it goes to their heads…. Whoever wants to be great must become a servant, and you whoever wants to be first must be a slave to all.” The apostles wanted to be appointed by Jesus, however, they became disappointed. They wanted to be appointed by Jesus to love one of them more than another. But that is not what Jesus was offering. It is clear that Jesus’ intention was to serve and love all, but not in exchange for power or authority given by man. I believe Jesus wanted us to live as he did, and be fueled by God to love and serve others.
So how do we love without disappointment? We love without making appointments. We do not appoint or wait for an other to come love us. We love others, and in that love we will find love. And if you are concerned with the notion that if you love others, then who will love you? As Jesus said, “Take courage!”
Peace be with you.
Monday, August 23, 2010
It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first
I am still attached to menial distractions.
Distraction
Dis-trac-tion
The act of being off track?
distract- 'drawn apart',
Is that even possible?
___ _ _ _____
Even if I realized my true self I will still have to wake up each morning and decide what I will do.
What if the two are one? What does that look like?
You are always your true self, but sometimes you think you aren't.
The paradox: sometimes your true self thinks it is not.
Why does the true self think it is not true?
Because the self identifies with something other then the self.
What does that mean?
For example, (using my name, Sean, as a signifier of my true self) Sean is Sean. However, if Sean were to say Sean is (blank), then describing Sean by anything other than Sean is not true. This is because Sean has no inherent qualities other than Sean-ness. When Sean was born Sean did not define the self, I merely was/is. Sean was not Sean because Sean could not define the self. Yet, now Sean is not when Sean defines Sean by any other name.
The crux of the mind is in trying to answer the question: "Who is Sean?" Rewording a Mitch Hedberg joke, "Someone asked me, 'Who is Sean' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.'
It can be tricky because the mind creates the question, believes the question has an alternative answer, and then spends each day trying to create the answer. When in fact, Sean is Sean...no matter what Sean does.
As too, the true self is the true self, which is always you who is called by your specific and authentic name.
Distraction
Dis-trac-tion
The act of being off track?
distract- 'drawn apart',
Is that even possible?
___ _ _ _____
Even if I realized my true self I will still have to wake up each morning and decide what I will do.
What if the two are one? What does that look like?
You are always your true self, but sometimes you think you aren't.
The paradox: sometimes your true self thinks it is not.
Why does the true self think it is not true?
Because the self identifies with something other then the self.
What does that mean?
For example, (using my name, Sean, as a signifier of my true self) Sean is Sean. However, if Sean were to say Sean is (blank), then describing Sean by anything other than Sean is not true. This is because Sean has no inherent qualities other than Sean-ness. When Sean was born Sean did not define the self, I merely was/is. Sean was not Sean because Sean could not define the self. Yet, now Sean is not when Sean defines Sean by any other name.
The crux of the mind is in trying to answer the question: "Who is Sean?" Rewording a Mitch Hedberg joke, "Someone asked me, 'Who is Sean' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.'
It can be tricky because the mind creates the question, believes the question has an alternative answer, and then spends each day trying to create the answer. When in fact, Sean is Sean...no matter what Sean does.
As too, the true self is the true self, which is always you who is called by your specific and authentic name.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Ahimsa (Non-Violence)
For the past several days I have been concerned and thinking about how to approach/handle a particular situation at work. If you don’t know, I work with a older man who is quadriplegic. I am his Personal Aide. Lately P-- has become more and more passively-aggressive in his communication with me as well as at me. Passive-aggressive behavior can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.
I would like to provide example; however, I really don’t want to describe to entire structure and dynamics of the situation…
I have been considering how to approach this passive-aggressiveness of P--. At first, I thought I would “bite back” or “snip,” you know, like a dog when playing. When I tried this approach I realized I was merely giving into my anger. I was allowing my anger to manifest, and I was becoming resentful of P--. After I left work doing this, I realized I invested more into the situation. I woke up in the middle of the night trying to figure out a solution. So I am clearly wrapped up in my response…And I would certainly get involved in my explanation and rationalization of my response, but I think it would only be me trying to make sense of it, make it into an idea that supports a feeling of me being “right”.
I realize my “biting back” and “snipping” were self-defensive violent acts. I realized the passive-aggressiveness of P-- was challenging my sense of self, and I was allowing myself to be defensive of my actions (or in some cases things I forget).
The idea of ahimsa comes in because I read today, “In accordance to [ahimsa], eating of some foods, whose cultivation harms small insects and worms as well as agriculture itself, is to be abstained from. Violence in self-defense, criminal law, and war are accepted by Hindus and Jains.” When I read “self-defense,” I thought, that is what I am doing. I am defending my self. Defending my self is not what I think I want to do. And! This must mean I am recognizing a idea of self which is inadequate, which I think is untrue…but! When P-- makes his comments I feel inadequate.
What I realized here, was that I don’t want to be violent as a means of being self-defensive, and I don’t want to be self-defensive. This reminds me of a passage from Ram Dass’s book “Paths to God.” He writes,
I said, “Yeah--but you also told me to tell the truth, and the truth is that I’m angry.”
Then [Maharajji] leaned toward me, until he was nose to nose and eye to eye, and said, “Give up anger, and tell the truth.”
I started to say, “But…”-- and then, right at that moment, I saw my predicament. See, what I was going to say to him was “But that isn’t who I am.” And in that instant, I saw in front of me the image of a coffin, and in that coffin was an image of who I thought myself to be. And what Maharajji was saying to me was, “I’m telling you who you’re going to be, after you’re finished being who you think you are.”
And so, perhaps by labeling P-- passive-aggressive I fuel my anger, and don’t look at the self I think I am. Really, the situation is offering an opportunity to “Give up anger, and tell the truth,” to become who I am after I’ve finished being who I think I am.
I would like to provide example; however, I really don’t want to describe to entire structure and dynamics of the situation…
I have been considering how to approach this passive-aggressiveness of P--. At first, I thought I would “bite back” or “snip,” you know, like a dog when playing. When I tried this approach I realized I was merely giving into my anger. I was allowing my anger to manifest, and I was becoming resentful of P--. After I left work doing this, I realized I invested more into the situation. I woke up in the middle of the night trying to figure out a solution. So I am clearly wrapped up in my response…And I would certainly get involved in my explanation and rationalization of my response, but I think it would only be me trying to make sense of it, make it into an idea that supports a feeling of me being “right”.
I realize my “biting back” and “snipping” were self-defensive violent acts. I realized the passive-aggressiveness of P-- was challenging my sense of self, and I was allowing myself to be defensive of my actions (or in some cases things I forget).
The idea of ahimsa comes in because I read today, “In accordance to [ahimsa], eating of some foods, whose cultivation harms small insects and worms as well as agriculture itself, is to be abstained from. Violence in self-defense, criminal law, and war are accepted by Hindus and Jains.” When I read “self-defense,” I thought, that is what I am doing. I am defending my self. Defending my self is not what I think I want to do. And! This must mean I am recognizing a idea of self which is inadequate, which I think is untrue…but! When P-- makes his comments I feel inadequate.
What I realized here, was that I don’t want to be violent as a means of being self-defensive, and I don’t want to be self-defensive. This reminds me of a passage from Ram Dass’s book “Paths to God.” He writes,
I said, “Yeah--but you also told me to tell the truth, and the truth is that I’m angry.”
Then [Maharajji] leaned toward me, until he was nose to nose and eye to eye, and said, “Give up anger, and tell the truth.”
I started to say, “But…”-- and then, right at that moment, I saw my predicament. See, what I was going to say to him was “But that isn’t who I am.” And in that instant, I saw in front of me the image of a coffin, and in that coffin was an image of who I thought myself to be. And what Maharajji was saying to me was, “I’m telling you who you’re going to be, after you’re finished being who you think you are.”
And so, perhaps by labeling P-- passive-aggressive I fuel my anger, and don’t look at the self I think I am. Really, the situation is offering an opportunity to “Give up anger, and tell the truth,” to become who I am after I’ve finished being who I think I am.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Dharma is your Karma, Karma is your Dharma
The term dharma, is an Indian spiritual and religious term, that means one's righteous duty or any virtuous path in the common sense of the term.
Righteous - wise, way, manner
-Wise – “to see," hence "to know"
- Way - road, path, course of travel
- Manner - method of handling
Combined definition: To see or to know the method of handling your course of travel.
Duty - due, owed
- Due - to owe
- Owe - to have, own/possess
Virtuous (1) – chaste (for women), valiant, valorous,
- Chaste – pure from unlawful sexual intercourse
- Valiant - stalwart, brave
- - Stalwart - good, serviceable
- - Brace - splendid, valiant
- - Splendid - magnificent, brilliant
- -Magnificent - doing great deeds
- - Service - celebration of public worship/ perform work
- Valorous - courage in the face of danger/ be strong
- - Courage – heart
- - Heart - middle
Virtue (2) - moral life and conduct, moral excellence
- Moral - proper behavior of a person in society
Combined definition: Celebration of public worship by doing good deeds as proper behavior of a person in society.
Karma yoga (also known as Buddhi Yoga) or the "discipline of action" is based on the teachings of the Bhagavad Gita, a sacred Sanskrit scripture of Hinduism. One of the four pillars of yoga, Karma yoga focuses on the adherence to duty (dharma) while remaining detached from the reward. It states that one can experience salvation (Moksha) or love (bhakti) of God by performing their duties in an unselfish manner for the pleasure of the Supreme, which is the welfare of the world.
Righteous - wise, way, manner
-Wise – “to see," hence "to know"
- Way - road, path, course of travel
- Manner - method of handling
Combined definition: To see or to know the method of handling your course of travel.
Duty - due, owed
- Due - to owe
- Owe - to have, own/possess
Virtuous (1) – chaste (for women), valiant, valorous,
- Chaste – pure from unlawful sexual intercourse
- Valiant - stalwart, brave
- - Stalwart - good, serviceable
- - Brace - splendid, valiant
- - Splendid - magnificent, brilliant
- -Magnificent - doing great deeds
- - Service - celebration of public worship/ perform work
- Valorous - courage in the face of danger/ be strong
- - Courage – heart
- - Heart - middle
Virtue (2) - moral life and conduct, moral excellence
- Moral - proper behavior of a person in society
Combined definition: Celebration of public worship by doing good deeds as proper behavior of a person in society.
Karma yoga (also known as Buddhi Yoga) or the "discipline of action" is based on the teachings of the Bhagavad Gita, a sacred Sanskrit scripture of Hinduism. One of the four pillars of yoga, Karma yoga focuses on the adherence to duty (dharma) while remaining detached from the reward. It states that one can experience salvation (Moksha) or love (bhakti) of God by performing their duties in an unselfish manner for the pleasure of the Supreme, which is the welfare of the world.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Sankata Mochan kripaa nidhaan
Sometimes I go to the Whole Foods near downtown because I think if I go there I will see people I know. Specifically I think I will have a chance to see a girl I use to date. I think out off all the times I have gone to Whole Foods with this agenda I have only seen the girl twice.
Today, after swimming I decided I would go toward downtown near the Whole Foods to get a bite to eat, but I also wanted to visit some bookstores—I was searching for the book The Shack. When I arrived downtown I parked in the Whole Foods parking lot and walked around to the bookstores—where I didn’t find the book for used. So I headed back toward Whole Foods where I was playing to get a cup of coffee, but first I stopped by Cosmic Cantina to buy a burrito.
After Cosmic Cantina I went to the Whole Foods to buy coffee, but by the time I got there I wanted something juicy or sweet. As I stood in the store deciding what to buy a cold chill, some what like a breeze came over me. Then I thought, maybe I know someone in here. So I walked around the store and found no one I knew.
I decided upon an Orange Crème soda. I went outside to the eating area. I found a chair and took off my jacket. Upon eating a large farmer-like looking man walked outside from the Whole Foods. The man was tale and plumb, wearing a red flannel shirt tucked into his pants with suspenders; sort of the stereotypic farmer looking guy. He sat down far from me and began talking to me about the weather. He said I would need a jacket tomorrow because it was going to get really cold. The man began to ask me questions and I mostly said, “Yeah.” Then he stopped talking to me.
Half way through eating my burrito a woman with yellowish grey hair and a lime green shirt comes walking toward the door where I am sitting. I recognize the woman. She is the mother of my once girlfriend from four years ago. She and I and her family have some history, some good and toward the latter part of the relationship sort of rough. I decide to wave to her, but her attention seems to be on someone else, a woman she is meeting.
I realize they are going to be sitting at the next table over from the farmer man. I begin to feel nervous, sort like an odd feeling in my chest, with preconscious questions of how to respond in this situation.
Wanting to be merely sooth I look for my iPod shuffle to listen to Krishna Das (Hindu mantra music, also knows as kirtan). I find the iPod and turn to a track titled Baba Hanuman.
The lyrics are:
Namo... Namo...Anjaninandanaaya
I bow, I bow again and again to Anjani's son, Hanuman
Jaya Seeyaa Raama, Jai Jai Hanumaan
Victory to Sita and Ram, Victory to Hanuman
Victory over the darkness of suffering...
Jaya Bajrangbalee, Baba Hanuman
Victory to the one with the body of a thunderbolt
My Baba, Hanuman.
Sankata Mochan kripaa nidhaan
You are home of all Grace.
Destroy all my problems, calamities and sufferings.
Jai Jai Jai Hanuman Gosaaee
Hail My Lord Hanuman
Kripaa karahu Gurudeva kee naaee
You are my Guru, bestow your Grace on me.
Sankata Mochan kripaa nidhaan,
You are the destroyer of Suffering, the abode of Grace
Laala Langotta, Laala Nishaan
You wear a red langotta and carry a red flag
Hare Raama Raama Raama, Seetaa Raama Raama Raama
As I begin to listen to the song I don’t have a need to look to this woman I am nervous about. I am not nervous. I eat the burrito and look around peacefully. It was an odd thing.
However, I wondered what will I do when I walk right in front of the table where she is sitting? Continuing to listening to Baba Hanuman I walk in front of the farmer man, throw away my trash and realize the farmer man is talking to me. He is confirming I am going to wear my jacket tomorrow. I tell him I will. Then began talking about something different and I realized he wasn’t interested in my response, but it was merely talking to talk at someone. So I listened. Rather than listening and trying to think of what to reply with (because it was irrelevant) I looked into the man’s eyes, deep in to his crystalline blue eyes. The man began to stutter more than before.
Before I knew it I was standing with my back to the ex-girlfriend’s mother. The farmer man kept talking. I realized this man will probably not stop talking as long as I am attentive. I decide to say things that would indicate that I am going to leave, but be kept talking at me. So then I said to him, “Yell, bye bye.” I turned toward the stairs (with the table with my ex-girlfriend’s mother to my right) and walked down the stairs; put in my earbud, and walked toward my car.
Just as I was about to cross the street I realized: I didn’t even think about that woman, I just walked right past her. Hmmm…
Today, after swimming I decided I would go toward downtown near the Whole Foods to get a bite to eat, but I also wanted to visit some bookstores—I was searching for the book The Shack. When I arrived downtown I parked in the Whole Foods parking lot and walked around to the bookstores—where I didn’t find the book for used. So I headed back toward Whole Foods where I was playing to get a cup of coffee, but first I stopped by Cosmic Cantina to buy a burrito.
After Cosmic Cantina I went to the Whole Foods to buy coffee, but by the time I got there I wanted something juicy or sweet. As I stood in the store deciding what to buy a cold chill, some what like a breeze came over me. Then I thought, maybe I know someone in here. So I walked around the store and found no one I knew.
I decided upon an Orange Crème soda. I went outside to the eating area. I found a chair and took off my jacket. Upon eating a large farmer-like looking man walked outside from the Whole Foods. The man was tale and plumb, wearing a red flannel shirt tucked into his pants with suspenders; sort of the stereotypic farmer looking guy. He sat down far from me and began talking to me about the weather. He said I would need a jacket tomorrow because it was going to get really cold. The man began to ask me questions and I mostly said, “Yeah.” Then he stopped talking to me.
Half way through eating my burrito a woman with yellowish grey hair and a lime green shirt comes walking toward the door where I am sitting. I recognize the woman. She is the mother of my once girlfriend from four years ago. She and I and her family have some history, some good and toward the latter part of the relationship sort of rough. I decide to wave to her, but her attention seems to be on someone else, a woman she is meeting.
I realize they are going to be sitting at the next table over from the farmer man. I begin to feel nervous, sort like an odd feeling in my chest, with preconscious questions of how to respond in this situation.
Wanting to be merely sooth I look for my iPod shuffle to listen to Krishna Das (Hindu mantra music, also knows as kirtan). I find the iPod and turn to a track titled Baba Hanuman.
The lyrics are:
Namo... Namo...Anjaninandanaaya
I bow, I bow again and again to Anjani's son, Hanuman
Jaya Seeyaa Raama, Jai Jai Hanumaan
Victory to Sita and Ram, Victory to Hanuman
Victory over the darkness of suffering...
Jaya Bajrangbalee, Baba Hanuman
Victory to the one with the body of a thunderbolt
My Baba, Hanuman.
Sankata Mochan kripaa nidhaan
You are home of all Grace.
Destroy all my problems, calamities and sufferings.
Jai Jai Jai Hanuman Gosaaee
Hail My Lord Hanuman
Kripaa karahu Gurudeva kee naaee
You are my Guru, bestow your Grace on me.
Sankata Mochan kripaa nidhaan,
You are the destroyer of Suffering, the abode of Grace
Laala Langotta, Laala Nishaan
You wear a red langotta and carry a red flag
Hare Raama Raama Raama, Seetaa Raama Raama Raama
As I begin to listen to the song I don’t have a need to look to this woman I am nervous about. I am not nervous. I eat the burrito and look around peacefully. It was an odd thing.
However, I wondered what will I do when I walk right in front of the table where she is sitting? Continuing to listening to Baba Hanuman I walk in front of the farmer man, throw away my trash and realize the farmer man is talking to me. He is confirming I am going to wear my jacket tomorrow. I tell him I will. Then began talking about something different and I realized he wasn’t interested in my response, but it was merely talking to talk at someone. So I listened. Rather than listening and trying to think of what to reply with (because it was irrelevant) I looked into the man’s eyes, deep in to his crystalline blue eyes. The man began to stutter more than before.
Before I knew it I was standing with my back to the ex-girlfriend’s mother. The farmer man kept talking. I realized this man will probably not stop talking as long as I am attentive. I decide to say things that would indicate that I am going to leave, but be kept talking at me. So then I said to him, “Yell, bye bye.” I turned toward the stairs (with the table with my ex-girlfriend’s mother to my right) and walked down the stairs; put in my earbud, and walked toward my car.
Just as I was about to cross the street I realized: I didn’t even think about that woman, I just walked right past her. Hmmm…
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